Thursday, 25 November 2010 05:00
No matter how flawless a diamond appears, for those with an incredibly powerful magnifying glass there are cracks to be found. But only a pedantic bastard would bother to find the speck of bronze in a pile of gold. Luckily I am that man.
Resistance Fall of Man (PS3)
Resistance is one game on this list that's not awful, but its not as good as the sales would suggest. A bland, unimaginative shooter that felt dated even as a launch title, Resistance succeeded not because it was great, but because the rest of the PS3 launch titles were terrible. Resistance's main selling point were its funky and creative weapons, which were neither that funky nor creative. Most were so ineffective that I played through the majority of the game with the standard human machine gun. Were it not for the rest of the PS3's launch line-up... not being as peppy, far fewer gamers would have bothered with this overly linear run of the mill FPS. They also ruined the sequel by getting rid of local coop. Bastards.
Batman Arkham Asylum (Multi-platform)
Apparently scientists have isolated the gene in human DNA that leads to criminal behavior. Someone has clearly taken this DNA and injected it into every inhabitant of Arkham Asylum. Either that or they just couldn't be bothered to create more than a couple of character models for the grunts. An outside possibility is that they are all blood related. Which could be entirely true, I apologize for not being up to date in the Gotham world. Bane also seems to have quite a few younger siblings that he taught his moves to. I wish my older brother taught me how to use steroids.
Gran Turismo 4 (PS3)
Blandness: The Game. This is what happens when you give an obsessive-compulsive millions of dollars and years to make a driving game. It may have car models that are accurate down to the bolts under the dashboard, but actually playing the game is about as much fun as playing with a dry bar of soap. That is all.
Uncharted 2 (PS3)
You: This guy is terrible and now he's going to bad mouth the DrakeMeister. (Everyone calls him that, right?) There are smurfs in the game. Right at the end. Naughty Dog almost, almost, made a perfect game but right at the end they buggered it up by putting smurfs in it. Actually to be more accurate, they are smurfs that have been borrowing 'medicine' from Mark McGwire and Barry Bonds. And eating plenty of vegetables. Laced with growth hormones. Dipped in testosterone. Or I suppose you could just call them Na'vi. I'm pretty sure I went full on shotgun rain on Jake Sully.
Explaining why you like Flower is likely to get you beaten up.
Dragon Age Origins (Multiplatform)
This game turned into an episode of Dawson's Creek. As a classic passive-aggressive psychopath I love to be loved. So in Dragon Age I buttered everyone up with compliments, listened to their very lengthy and angst ridden problems, and blew all my cash buying gifts in order to buy their affection. By the end of the game I had a camp site full of so much sexual tension and jealousy that dropping in a crate of vodka would have resulted in a (family site) of epic proportions. Whilst I was only 'having relations' with Morrigan, it had gotten to the point where if I had a conversation with half of the party members it would result in a 'It's her or me' ultimatum. Keen to avoid losing valuable allies at the climactic point of the game I would walk nervously through the stoney silence of the camp, avoiding eye contact. The only thing I could do was shuffle up next to Sten and try to chat to the world's least talented conversationalist, confident at least that he wouldn't try and leave me. Sadly Dragon Age also suffers from the curse of irritating DLC. In a game that has so many missions, I don't have a problem with Bioware offering more as DLC. But when that DLC adds necessary improvements such as a larger inventory, needs to be bought in order to get all the achievements, and allows you to continue to play the game after the final boss then it is a little more than irksome. Worse than that is the shameless, fourth wall breaking way in which it is pimped. A dwarf telling me to aid him in a quest is one thing, but a dwarf suddenly asking me to pay Microsoft points to do so leaves an unpleasant taste in the mouth. I say to you dwarf, "die in a fire!"
I would stay a tad bit longer, however, I believe if I continue this list to Halo, I won't see tomorrow.