Written by Mark Del Rio Wednesday, 14 December 2011 12:00
Recently, I’ve been going through my James Bond blu-ray collection supplementing the missing Bond blu-ray with DVDs (as you may or may not know only 11 of the 20 original Bond adventures are available on blu-ray). I’m currently on number 18 – “The World is not Enough” with Pierce Brosnan as James Bond. When you think of Bond, some typical things come to mind – girls, guns, and great locations. Watching them all back to back (and in chronological order too) I’ve noticed a few patterns in the series revolving around “death.” Let’s examine “death” in all of its incarnations in the James Bond movies. Just a quick note, not being a fan of Daniel Craig’s Bond I have chosen to purposely omit it from this article (that in itself is another blog). On with the list!
1. If you are a MALE INFORMANT in a Bond movie, you are going to die. Just like the “Red Shirts” from Star Trek, being a male informant/contact for Bond is a bad idea; avoid it at all costs. Everyone who has a hand in helping Bond on his mission ends up meeting a very gruesome end. As if that wasn’t bad enough, said male informants spend little time on screen, they’re almost gone as soon as they appear. Dr. No, Octopussy, The Living Daylights.
2. If you are VILLAIN in a Bond movie, you are going to die. Forget about a life sentence, in Bond’s world, guilty = death; Period! You don’t f**k with The Bond! The only exception to this rule is if your role was originated by a bald man in which case you will appear in 3 movies (yet look completely different in each one of them) then disappear for another 4 movies only to return in a cameo where you end up at the bottom of a factory smoke stack and your eventual death.
3. If you are having a WEDDING in the vicinity of James Bond, chances are most high that your wedding will be ruined and/or the bride will die. Let’s be honest here, Bond is not monogamous. There must be something about his presence that defies the very act of marriage itself. Perhaps he is surrounded by a guardian spirit whose goal it is to destroy wedding cakes and make husbands widowers. Whatever the case, don’t get married next to Bond! On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, A View to a Kill, License to Kill.
4. If you are an EARLY BOND GIRL, meaning one who makes out with Bond early in the movie, chances are good you are going to die. You’ve served your purpose in the first hour; James Bond has had his fun, now it’s time to get rid of you and introduce a new hottie later in the movie! The only early women to get out alive are the ones who only share one scene with Bond and are already in the process of making “whoopee” with him before the scene starts (though I wouldn’t consider them official “Bond Girls” to begin with). You Only Live Twice, Moonraker, Tomorrow Never Dies.
5. If you are a LATE BOND GIRL, meaning one who stays with Bond till the end of the picture, it’s a 100% guarantee that you will be completely forgotten by the start of the next Bond adventure and the whole cycle will repeat itself from the beginning.