5 Reasons Why Pokemon Could Never Exist

RetroVertigo

May 21, 2010

Fiction is fun! It's fun because reality is boring! With make believe stories, we can let our minds wander, and believe the impossible. But sometimes it's even more fun to view our fiction with a realistic eye. How does Jack Bauer's cell phone not run out of battery power when in constant use during a 24-hour period? Where exactly does Clifford the Big Red Dog go to the bathroom?

pokemonSide (22K) It's time to put on our over-analytical hats, and take apart the beloved and innocent World of Pokemon, to explain in five reasons why this world could never exist:

1.) The possibilities of Pokemon neglect are limitless! If you're a parent, there's a chance your child has begged and pleaded at some point for you to buy them a pet: "PLEASE, PLEASE, PUHLLLEEEASE! I'll take good care of it--I promise! I'll feed, and walk it, and play with it EVERYDAY!" When the reality of raising a pet finally sinks in--the time when the child's first challenge literally lays before them in the form of a fresh pile of poop on the carpet-- the parents step in and take over, like they should. In the end, it's the parents who end up walking the pet, cleaning up after it, taking it to the vet, and keeping it fed, while the kids interact with the pet when it's convenient and fun for them.

Now, let's take that one pet--that a child can't look after--and multiply it by, oh let's say...500!!

That's right, if you want to "collect 'em all", a single Pokemon trainer has enough capacity to essentially take care of just under 500 Pokemon at one time! But don't worry! Not all 500 Pokemon are going to be living in pens in the basement, barking and crying to be let out at all hours of the day. No, for some mysterious reason, you can somehow cram a nearly 7 foot tall, 1/2 ton Snorlax in a lightweight pokeball, about the size of a cue ball and put it in a bag for later use. That isn't a cruel and unusual living space!

Kids can only interact with 6 Pokemon at a time (which is the maximum number of Pokemon a trainer may take with them), while the extra, possibly hundreds, of Pokemon can be stored away in a small, probably humid and smelly ball, in the back of some closet, under a bed, or in some other space within a home where forgotten things go to be... well, forgotten.

If the pokeballs are beginning to make the house look like a ballpit at Chuck E Cheese, then you can shove all of those unloved Pokemon into your computer, and download them when they're wanted.

Pokemon can also be converted into data somehow, and reside as a file on a computer system. This computer can also be accessed from any computer in the Pokemon world without any user credentials! Talk about great network security! God help those poor Pokemon, if that user's system isn't behind a firewall, protected with the most up-to-date virus protection, and patched every Tuesday. I wonder how horrible of a death it might be to be stored as a file in a computer and then accidentally get deleted, just becuase the user clicked on what they thought was a YouTube clip of Keyboard Cat's latest adventure, and it turns out to be nothing more than some l33t hax0r destroying the contents of the hard drive. I wonder if you could hear the Pokemon screaming from within the internal PC speaker as they were erased from existence?

If there was a Pokemon equivalency of the PETA organization, I cannot imagine how outraged they'd be! Let's not even touch on the subject of Pokemon battles and how closely they compare to dog fights. Pokemon are raised for one thing, and one thing only--violence. Pokemon trainers battle each other until the losing trainer's Pokemon have all been rendered unconscious from a variety of elemental and physical assault. Like how I said "let's not even touch this subject" even though I clearly went into a bit of detail anyway? You're welcome.

Somehow, Pokemon vs. Pokemon fights are acceptable--and encouraged--yet people take issue with Michael Vick's dog fights?

2.) Residents of the towns in Pokemon are way too obsessed with Pokemon! It's almost creepishly cultish the way the residents of the towns in the Pokemon games act. It's Pokemon 100% of the time. In fact, Pokemon are so important to these people that there are no stores selling things for people. You can buy Pokeballs, potions, and supplies for your Pokemon, but you can't find a damned cheeseburger to stuff your face. There are no restaurants, or grocery stores, or hospitals for people.

Just talk to anybody in the town and they're likely more concerned about a Squirtle stuck in a tree than they are about their empty refrigerator, or their excruciatingly small house.

If your Pokemon pass out from kicking the crap out of each other, you can race over to the nearest Pokemon center, and they will fix 'em right up for you. However, if Grandma takes a spill trying to get that last healing potion from the top shelf of the Pokemart, unless she can somehow cram herself into a Pokeball and get a free ride in the healing machine, she's shit out of luck.

Who is controlling who? Are the people controlling the Pokemon, or are the Pokemon controlling them? Certainly, the residents are not in control if there are no stores, roads, or cars for their use.

3.) Kids answer to no one and can come and go as they please! If you're an old person and you think that kids are disrespectful, just wait until you see how much free reign the Pokemon trainers in the World of Pokemon have.

Kids can pretty much come and go as they please. This includes wandering the world aimlessly through night and day, looking for Pokemon. The only time a child Pokemon trainer interacts with their parents is usually at the beginning of the game, where the parent pretty much tells the child to go get a Pokemon and get to battling.

Children approach strangers, in fact, they walk right into their house without knocking! It isn't uncommon for them to walk around in Pokemon-infested woods, dark caves, arctic wastelands as if they own the world! Everything is there for them, and there is no hesitation for them to pick up whatever item they can see on the ground, pick berry trees, smash rocks, and cut down trees, as if the whole damn world was theirs!

Every so often, the parent will actually interact with their child, but don't expect any nurturing or heartfelt moments--remember, when the people care more about pocket monsters than themselves, it's the children that suffer--no, no actually they don't.

The parents, as expected, are interested in the child's progress as a Pokemon trainer, and never seem to ask the important questions like, "How are you doing? Are you eating right? When's the last time you changed your underwear? Did you brush your teeth this morning? You didn't sign up for a credit card with a high APR, just because they gave you a free t-shirt, did you? I miss you, please come home." No, it's usually, "Hey, I hear that you kicked the crap out of the Pokemon Gym Leader--great job! That's the spirit! Here's some money to continue your crazy Pokemon fighting obsession. Don't let us down or you'll be a disappointment to the whole family."

4.) Wild Pokemon attacks are inevitable As children, we're told not to talk to strangers and to stay away from strange animals. In the world of Pokemon, not only are children encouraged to explore strange and new places, but in order to catch Pokemon, one has to venture into the tall grass in hopes of encountering the one you're looking for.

While Pokemon aren't supposed to attack humans, since when can one trust an animal to abide by human rules, right?

Are we to expect that Pokemon are submissive to humans? Sure, maybe you could smack around a unruly Caterpie or drop-kick a sassy Bulbasaur, and have them respect you through fear, but try and disrespect a massive Pokemon like Gyrados, Kyogre, or Steelix and your likely to experience how it feels to have your head pushed through your ass.

Even if they didn't directly attack a human, with all of the shit flying around during a battle, including razor sharp leaves, freezing winds and lightning assaults, there's always a possibility that the Pokemon will dodge the attack and allow the poor Pokemon trainer behind them to absorb 100% with their face?

There's gotta be at least one redneck Pokemon resident who thinks that it might be okay to hunt and kill one of "them Pokeymans" in which case, I expect the Pokemon to fight back.

Even if Pokemon aren't hunted for sport, some aspiring sea food chef out there must've thought at some point about how delicious of a meal some steamed Krabby would make, or maybe even a filleted and pan-seared Magikarp, with a side of Finneon.

Animals are dangerous until they're properly trained, and even when they're well-trained there's still a chance of getting mauled one day. Just ask Roy Horn from Siegfried and Roy about that.

5.) Property damage, wild fires, and world destruction - oh my! With great power comes... massive damage!

We all know that a majority of wild Pokemon encounters occur in the tall grass, but what happens with Charmander's attack misses and sets nearby trees and bushes ablaze?

I'm pretty sure that since there are no hospitals for people in the world of Pokemon, there are also no policemen or firefighters. Nobody to restore order when natural (or Pokemon) disasters strike!

We all know how that "only we can prevent forest fires" by being smart, but what happens when you're a brainless, wild Pokemon farting lightning and burping napalm-- who's to say that the world around wouldn't burn to ashes?

I already mentioned the 6'11" tall Snorlax and his 1,000 lb. body, but that's not even close being the biggest Pokemon, how can something even bigger NOT cause massive property damage to homes, shops, and other structures? If one drops their Pokemon ball incorrectly, one could accidentally unleash a 17 foot Dialga in the middle of a teeny, tiny room essentially destroying the entire place, and killing anybody within the property.

Towns in Pokemon are always so clean and spotless. How come we never hear about any Rattatas getting stuck in the walls and in between floorboards and dying, or issues with property damage when a family of Venomoths set up shop in the attic and then decide to expand their personal space down into the rest of the house?

You see, it's simply impossible for the world of Pokemon to exist. So, snap out of it! You're never going to have a well-trained Chimchar, because you can't even handle your high-anxiety beagle to not pee on the floor at night.

Best of luck to you, when you find yourself lost in a field of tall grass, in the middle of the night, surrounded by the glowing red eyes of a pack of territorial Drapion and you're armed with a dinky little Clefairy at 50% health.

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