CoD Meets GTA | Satire

Mike Rohde, Executive Editor

March 3, 2010

Yesterday, the news was handed down from the mountain that one of the greatest and most bought and played first person shooter franchises is supposedly ditching the current format and going the way of the action-adventure genre. We here at GoozerNation think the open world sandbox approach might work a bit better and we propose how the game would play out.

Lieutenant General Shepherd is now dead.

Makarov has given up terrorism and is now a corporate mogul.

Sergeant Gary "Roach" Sanderson is the main character. The threat of terrorism has grown cold and the military is downsizing. As a result, Roach was laid off from the army. He now has to adjust to life as a private citizen.

John "Soap" MacTavish is the lovable and funny sidekick who provides the comic relief. In certain side missions, you have to help Soap take a date bowling, and avoid throwing a grenade down the alley after rolling three gutter balls in a roll.

Simon "Ghost" Riley makes a cameo appearance as a ghost who haunts Roach's dreams. Roach also sees Ghost during his adventures. He must keep this quiet and to himself as he doesn't want others to think he's crazy for seeing dead people.

The object of the game is to get Roach a date, eventually married and then settled down to raise a family. As a part of this, Roach needs to land a job during a depressed economy and struggle through his post traumatic stress disorder. Quick Time Events include having Roach struggle to change a diaper without getting sprayed on and go on a job interview without strangling his potential new boss for asking inane questions like, "If you were an animal, what kind of animal would you be?"

Ultimately, it turns out that Makarov is still evil and has taken over the mobile phone business. His new smart phone outsells the iPhone, the Windows 7 phone, the Android and all the others. Makarov sells his phone for $1000 and forces customers to start a three-year plan that starts at $200/month for one phone and $500/month for two phones. Consumers, like the sheep they are, assume the price and costs equal high quality and buy two or three a piece. People around the world start facing high debt and bankruptcy due to the hidden fees and charges. The world plunges into despair, but it goes unnoticed, because folks are too busy surfing the Net and finding directions on the Makarov phone.

Only one man can save the world from insanely priced mobile phone plans. It's up to Roach to file complaints with the Better Business Bureau, stage peaceful protests and write letters to Makarov.

And if that doesn't work, then it's Bazooka time!

Editors' Note: No one is mourning the alleged FPS death of CoD more than us. This article was written as satire and is by no means meant to be taken seriously.