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Ugly Plumber Syndrome
AveryZoe
May 12, 2010
Ladies, there is a silent menace amongst us; an elephant in the room that simply cannot be ignored any longer. Since the dawn of time--well, at least since the dawn of gaming as we know it when the NES was released--female gamers have gotten the shaft. (Get your mind out of the gutter, pal!) We have suffered in silence too long, Gamergirls. Rise up, and confront the ugly truth: we are victims of Ugly Plumber Syndrome.
What is Ugly Plumber Syndrome, you ask, and is it fatal? Ugly Plumber Syndrome is a debilitating condition whereby the female characters in video games are shapely and attractive and all-around pleasant to look at, whereas the male characters are...not. It is not fatal, but it does appear chronic. Ever since the Nintendo Corporation brought us that first wonderful Mario game we have suffered silently, watching despondently as our brothers gleefully rescued the comely Princess Peach, while the only eye candy we were offered consisted of ugly plumbers.
Oh, sure. Mario Brothers is just one game, right? (Or 37-Honestly, I've lost count.) But the injustice didn't stop with Mario Brothers--oh no! It has continued on throughout the evolution of gaming. From Tomb Raider's Lara Croft to the bevy of beauties in Dead or Alive: Paradise, female characters in video games are consistently smokin' hot. But what about the male video game characters? You've already heard about Mario and Luigi, so let' talk about some other iconic male characters. Link in Legend of Zelda looked like a girl, Kratos from God of War is downright ugly, and PacMan is just a yellow blob. And yet even Ms. PacMan put on a bow and tried to spiff herself up a little for the fellas. Equal opportunity gaming--I think not!
Some might argue that character appearance does not affect gameplay, but Dude--what are you smokin'? Gaming is all about the visual. From watching those first crazy plumbers shoot fireballs at koopas right up to watching Kratos take his enemies out in fantastically violent fashion, video games are about offering a superb visual experience that immerses you in the game. How am I supposed to immerse when all I have to look at is plumber butt? I'm not asking for much here, just a little love for all the girl-gamers out there who appreciate something pleasant to look at whilst they slay their virtual opponents. Enough with the trembling cleavage already--we want some rippling abs, bulging biceps, and a pretty face to match.