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Retro Games Suck
The Sheer Power That is Amy
April 14, 2010
With the recent advent of retro game trading on Goozex.com, as well as steady business in retro gaming at other sites, I have recently been struck with nostalgia for the good old days. Atari, NES--man, those were some great games. Well, that's how I remember them anyway. Boy, did I think those games were awesome when I was a kid, so how bad could they be?
So I got out one of my old PS1 games--Tecmo Stackers (cause puzzle games are da bomb, baby)--and popped it in the shiny PS3 in my living room. For those of you unaware of this, the majority of PS3 games are backwards-compatible to PS1 games but not PS2 games--who was the genius who came up with that idea? So I popped in Tecmo Stackers and prepared to wail on any unsuspecting family members willing to accept my challenge. And then, Tecmo Stackers appeared on the wonderful 42 inch, HD screen in our living room. At least, I think it was Tecmo Stackers. It mostly looked like a bunch of colorful blobs, and not in a good way. How was I supposed to crush my children with my puzzle prowess when my eyes were melting from the effort to focus?
Soooo, the PS1 games kinda sucked, but I wasn't ready to give up my quest for retro gold quite yet. I mean, PS1 isn't even that old of a console--hardly even qualifies as retro, really. Seriously--I wasn't in college when it came out, so it's not old at all--right? I said, RIGHT?
NES, now those are some fine retro games. I recall many a fun afternoon of popping some Mario or Tetris into the slot (after blowing on it repeatedly, jumping up and down three times, and then facing the sun while invoking any listening deities to hear my plea for gaming, of course). And it just so happens that my parents had an old NES hiding in a forgotten cupboard upstairs, so I was retro-gaming ready. I'm coming for you Mario; wait for me!
After the ritual blowing on the cartridge, I anxiously waited for Mario to appear on the screen. OMG--it was like I gave my toddler a crayon and some game developing software and told her to make Mommy a game. This is the revered game of my childhood? Lame! So, out goes Mario--in goes Duck Hunt. Now I have to admit, Duck Hunt was kind of cool. That is, if you think aiming your gun in any direction whatsoever while firing at hardly moving ducks is a challenge. And where's the blood? No blood, no automatic weapons, no zombies? Again, I say, lame. I decided to give Rad Racer a try, but as I was getting light-headed from all the blowing, this would have to be the last chance for the NES to wow me. I won't go into details, as it was just too terrible for me to revisit--the nightmares plague me still. Let's just say it was less than awesome.
I gave some other retro systems a chance, and I gotta say--they are all equally lame. Call me spoiled, but if you are used to the incredible graphics on most of today's consoles, then trying out the retro games again will only spoil your precious childhood memories.
For all you Amish people who've never played games before--I've got some really cool NES games for you to try.
