I Feel Your Pain

The Sheer Power That is Amy

April 10, 2010

Parents, I am here today to talk to you of your secret pain--your hidden shame--your worst nightmare. For some of you it is a shadow of the future, a mere glimmer of what could be. For others, it is an all too painful reality, and I am here to tell you: you don' have to be ashamed. You don't have to hide it any longer. There are others who suffer too.

"What is the pain? What is it that would cause such feeling of shame, embarrassment, and yes--even guilt?" You ask it so innocently, with such a contrived look of bafflement on your face. But I see through your transparent facade, and I say it again--no, I shout it, "You Don't Have To Hide It Anymore!" You see, I've been there--I, too, have had my children beat me (ME!) at video games. I don't mean the "Gosh, Sally--would you look at that! You beat me at Pretty Princess Ponies! You sure are good at this game!" *pats head of gullible preschooler* I mean, the shame-inducing, "Uh, gee Sport. Been practicing, huh? *clears throat* Guess I didn't need to take it easy on you there." *laughs feebly as child scoffs and spits in face* It is a humbling moment--I would describe it as emasculating if I wasn't so female. However you want to describe it, it is down-right mortifying, and your kids aren't stupid enough to think you really let them win. After such a humbling experience, you might feel as if life has lost all meaning. You have been humbled, defeated, had the smack laid down upon you--how will you ever recover? Will the sun ever shine again?

I know it seems hopeless, but I am here to help you crawl from the deep pit of your misery. I shall lift you from the throes of despair, and give you hope again with one simple phrase: "Sorry, Johnny--since Daddy/Mommy suffered such a crippling defeat at your perpetually sticky hands, I guess I'll just have to get in a bit more practice before we can play again. Why don't you go play blocks or something while I make myself worthy of your prowess?" You see, the "Amy Solution" is twofold. It both praises your child's skill--giving them credit for their great game and proving that you are absolutely not being a bad sport about the whole thing--while at the same time ensuring they will never, ever get the chance to whoop you again. After all, video games are bad for children--you can play me again when you're 20, Johnny.

Editors' Note: Here's a chance to win a code for the PSN game Pain. Simply be the first to leave a comment stating that you want the code. GoozerNation has a few other giveaways like this coming up. Stay tuned. Each giveaway will be very different than the last.