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Lord of the Rings Is Overdone
The Sheer Power That is Amy
April 21, 2010
I might not win Miss Popular for saying this, but what the heck? I don't look good in a tiara anyway. Quit doing Lord of the Rings remakes already! Guy writes some books in like, the year 200, and we have to have remake it every two years since? Come on! The guy's dead--it's not like the story is going to change--amirite?
Having owned, as a family, nearly every version of Lord of the Rings out there, I am struck by the same thought nearly every time one gets popped in the console/dvd player/blu-ray, etc. Dude! They. Are. All. The. Same. Hobbit has ring; bad guys want ring; much fighting ensues. Blah, blah, One ring to rule them all, blah, blah, monsters, blah, blah, the end. Can I get an original story here, please?
Now, don't get me wrong here. The original stories are good ones--great ones--even. My problem is that instead of using the story as a jumping board to creativity, the developers seem to be using the story as a jumping board to the exact same thing everybody else has done-- but with better graphics! Now graphics are important, but they aren't that important. While playing the PS3 title Lord of the Rings: Conquest, one is struck by the thought that the story and gameplay are nearly identical to the PS2 versions--probably because they are. I am holding out hope for the Wii version due next week-- Lord of the Rings: Aragorn's Quest-- [Ed Note: Game is delayed; see next week's rant on Release Dates] but you won't find me too surprised if it turns out to be the exact same thing everybody else has done--now with motion control!
An original storyline--is that too much to ask? Throw some wacky plot twists in there--that'll get them talking. Frodo and Samwise finally admit their undying love for each other--come on, it's obvious to everybody but you, boys--and use the ring as a symbol of their Hobbit-on-Hobbit love in a legally binding ceremony [Ed Note: now that's just wrong...]. With spousal benefits even--now there's fiction for you. Saving the environment is hot right now--what if the tree ents gave up fighting about a stupid ring and attack multi-million dollar corporations that are pumping toxins into their earth instead? "Who's you tree daddy? That's what I thought!" You can't tell me Tolkien didn't have a sense of humor--March of the Ents? Really? You can do better than that, dead guy. What if Smeagol finally admits that he's anorexic and enters rehab with Lindsay Lohan--human interest story right there-- and just think of the spin-offs. "The Simple Life--Lilo & Smeago" Entertaining, fun--and a lot less scary than the Paris Hilton version *shudders*
While we are on the topic of mediocrity and originality, why not shoot for the moon? Can I get some original battles too? There are only so many times you can kill an orc before it gets a bit tired. Gamers love FPS games. And let's face it--what story wouldn't be better with automatic weapons? Give those orcs an uzi, and now we've got a battle! How about lasers? Lasers are awesome. Before you start sputtering about there being no lasers in the story--got you covered. The ring has secret laser powers that are only unlocked when Frodo and Samwise admit their love--I'll slip that part in later. (That's what he said! HaHaHa!) Or Frodo could hire Johnny Cochrane, and sue--based on the premise that possession is 9/10s of law, and then sue Sauron for all the emotional distress and lost wages. Frodo would get it all, and a restraining order. Too scary?
Just give me something new here. Some reason why I should buy all these new versions of the same old story. A fool and his money are soon parted. But I ain't no fool. In fact, in the words of the immortal Mr. T--somewhat paraphrased: I pity the fool who buys the same item 16 times.
