F#@king Kids' Movies

AveryZoe

June 14, 2010

What is up with kids' movies lately? They take a blockbuster hit from my beloved childhood, inject it with profanity and sex, and then launch massive marketing campaigns targeting my sweet little children. Who authorized this trend of defiling formerly kid-friendly shows, cause he's got some 'splainin' to do. I do NOT want to explain to my kids why Miss Piggy has her tongue down Kermit's throat. [Editors' Note: what movie was that?] The movie companies seem to be trying to make kids' movies more appealing to adults, but if I want to watch a movie with lots of sex and swears I sure don't want to take my kids along. That is WAY more trouble than it's worth. "Johnny said what about his teacher's what? I am sooo sorry (and he will be too.)"

KidMovies (19K) The problem is that many of these movies are marketed very aggressively to kids. Take the recent Transformers and G.I. Joe movies, for instance. For months prior to their release, you couldn't go to the bathroom without seeing ads for toys, games, clothes, pajamas, slippers, notebooks, and other useless materials bearing images from these movies. Buy your kid a hamburger, they get a cheap plastic Optimus Prime. Take them school shopping, and they are soon begging for cool notebooks and tshirts bearing super-cool G.I. Joe. We all saw Transformers and G.I. Joe when we were kids. These were harmless shows, age-appropriate and often carrying sweet little messages of responsibility and friendship. You probably caved quite easily on the movie, remembering fondly your Optimus Prime lunchbox with matching Megatron thermos. Seeing these shows remade really brought back great memories from our childhoods, and most of us wanted to share those memories with our kids. I know I did.

And then I saw the movie. With my kids. No where in the midst of all those action figures and size 4T jambes did they bother to explain that actually taking my kids to see their movie would teach them to cuss like a sailor and make out with girls. Oh, and where was the cleavage in the Transformers of my childhood, cause I didn't remember that part. These movies, and the majority of the others that are being marketed to children are most definitely not age-appropriate to the marketing practices. I would place most of these movies as appropriate for ages 10-12 and up, as they contain swearing and some sexual content. On top of that, many of them are dark and down-right scary for the average 6 or 7 year old. And yet they place the toys in Happy Meals. What 12 year old boy is going to eat a Happy Meal? Maybe 8 Happy Meals, as a light snack or something. They put out pajamas, slippers, thirst, entire outfitted, and even socks and underwear bearing images from whatever movie is hot right now--and they make them in toddler sizes. Why market paraphernalia for movies with questionable content to young children when it isn't appropriate for them to actually watch the movie? "Here, you can smell my ice cream, but you can't have any."

The answer isn't that the movie companies want to tease children and make babies cry. No, I believe it is more evil than that. I have come to the realization that it is all part of a sinister plan to turn our little angels into violent rebels who swear and make out with strangers. Kick-Ass anyone? You grab your kids, I'll bring the popcorn. Indoctrination is complete.